May 2012
26 posts
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My Woefully Inadequate Moped
Today was the Memorial Day ride of the Gnorth Haven Gnarwhals, a loose collection of moped riders and scooting-enthusiasts. While I prefer very much the clean, true lines of a fantastic moped to the ugly wall of sheet metal that defines a scooter’s look, when there are only three mopeds in your town you ride with whoever you can ride with. We set off from the parking lot of the Baptist...
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Read My Paid Work →
This is a piece of speculative non-fiction fiction I wrote for 1up.com for “What If?” week. Rather than try to compete in the crowded space of video gaming sites by churning out news and reviews, 1up is turning to more creative approaches to appreciating the world of video games. I am fortunate to be a part of something so awesome.
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I Have Nothing More to Say
That’s what it feels like. I can’t explain it. I am in a consumption mode right now. I don’t want to create, I want to consume the creations of others. That sounds so dumb. Oh Jesus I almost got into some artsy wank fuck of a post where I dissected the meaning of something meaningless. It’s like in college when you have to find meaning in a book or poem, and there...
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Unsolved Mysteries
A lot of times I get a few drinks into me and I go onto YouTube and I watch music videos that were popular when I was in my early twenties. Lots of Stankonia-era Outkast, Redman & Method Man. No Doubt. R. Kelly. Nothing deep and meaningful, just music that was on at parties and MTV and BET when I was a young buck motherfucker. It takes me back to a time when life was still mysterious. Not in...
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The High Cost of Me Fixing Your Stupid Computer
People are always shocked when I tell them how much they owe me for computer repair. They don’t say anything but they look down and sigh a little bit, then they say “Oh… can I write you a check?” I think people expect computer repair is going to be like ten bucks or I’ll just do it to be nice. Here’s the thing, though. I already charge too little for fixing...
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Sitcom Pitches
AMERICAN BOYS:
Two best friends from small town Ohio move to LA to try to become actors, but once they get there they find out that Hollywood isn’t quite as easy to crack as their local theater back home. So they turn to just sucking so many dicks. Like, bathing in cum. Neither one of them is actually gay, but they both are willing to do whatever it takes to get noticed in the knock-down,...
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My Podcast, tumblred →
I should use tumblr to pimp out my podcast. I’m doing it right now.
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This Blog Should Have More Followers →
This is my other, secret blog. It has no followers. It should have more than that. One or more, probably. Make sure to ruin the secret by telling everyone. Also, participate.
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Mother's Day
It’s Mother’s Day this weekend, and I don’t know what to get my mom. I’m thinking I’ll get make her a card out of some really fancy stock with the message “Mom— I hope I’m not as big a disappointment to you as I am to myself.” I think she’ll appreciate it.
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Making Kids Feel Good About Themselves is the...
When I was in little league, I was on a team that was the worst team in the league. We never won any games. I don’t even think we came close. One time, one of the kids in the outfield caught on fire. That’s how bad we were. Another time we scored two touchdowns. That was in practice. I’m telling you, we were bad. The year before that, I was on the “farm team.” In...
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I forgot about Disqus
You can leave comments on my posts again. Please, join the discussion about video games and irony.
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Your Farming Lifestyle is Obsolete
My ancestors were farmers and stone masons and fisherman. They all worked in terrible conditions in order to eke out a subsistence existence, where death was everywhere. Cold was constant. One hundred years ago eating meat was a luxury. Most of the time, people just ate terrible vegetables and stale bread and drank bath-tub gin or apple cider that had been hardened in an oak cask. They had dozens...
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Grammar Cheating
People always say “I want that so bad,” or “My stomach hurts so bad,” but they’re wrong because you’re supposed to say “badly.” Flip side, when people go too far with what they think is proper grammar and say “I felt so badly about that,” they’re saying that they are bad at feeling. It’s just too confusing for most people and...
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Your Scooter is Fucking Mass Ugly
Mopeds are sexy, tiny motorized two-wheel sex machines that smear sex appeal up and down any street. They are always owned by cool people who understand irony but also understand that riding on a moped is fun. I like to ride mine because it is a smile factory. Smile factories can never be out-sourced, so they are great for America’s shitty manufacturing sector. I feel like the CEO of a smile...
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Everything is Sad
I had to put my dog to sleep. She was frail. She had difficulty standing up, so she spent most of her days sleeping. Sometimes she would sleep through and pee on herself. It was sad and gross and she seemed embarrassed by it. She was dumb and sweet. That’s everything you could hope for in a dog. I took her in to see the vet and I was such a mess. I wanted to be cool and calm but I...
“If I was a wizard, I would make an Afghan hound out of an afghan. It would be so...”
– me on Twitter 